Like most of us, you've probably wondered what would it be like if someone made a
rip-off of The Matrix, but then made
it really boring, and added a Kramer vs. Kramer-style subplot. Well, wonder no
more because it has been done -- and the name of the beast is Unbreakable.
This BORING ASS movie was brought into the world by M. Night Shyamalan, the
"wunderkind" behind last year's Best Picture Oscar nominee The Sixth
Sense. This movie features the pacing of a 1970s drama, the thrills of a kiddie
roller coaster, the hairdo of Luke Skywalker on both Robin ("Santa Barbara") Wright
Penn and ugly kid Spencer Treat Clark (treat? what treat? this drip-faced
kid can't act for dooky!), and a bizarre
Berkeley Unified School District P.E.-teacher
coif on Samuel L. Jackson.
This movie actually reminded me a lot of The China Syndrome, simply because they are both
supposed to be "suspenseful and terrifying," but they're both incredibly boring. Every time
anything interesting or potentially exciting happens, the pacing is brought to a snail's
pace. But The China Syndrome has a good excuseit was made in 1978.
In the 70s they thought that this heightened suspense and made the audience more
interested. But by the 80s they'd figured out that it just put people to sleep. Someone
needs to give M. Night a phone call to let him know what year it is.
For instance, at one point Kiddie Treat is convinced that Bruce Willis (his dad) is a
superhero who can't be hurt, so he pulls a gun on him and threatens to shoot him to prove
that he can't be hurt. It seems like this would be suspenseful, but it's actually totally
This movie is filmed in a kind of grainy, dark style, which is kind of how I remember the 70s,
actually. There is a very overpowering subplot about how Bruce Willis and his wife Robin Wright
Penn have "lost the magic." Both characters seem almost totally devoid of emotion, even when
they start to get back together (because Bruce is a superhero, after all), it's still extremely
I bet all the actors in this movie thought it was a sure thing because M. Night Shyamalan
was directing and writing.
Little did they know that M. wrote this thing the night after he saw The Matrix and had
had a few too many martinis. Oh well, Bruce, I guess you won't get an Oscar after all...
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