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How to Make Your Shopping Experience Dandy
by Margaret Treadwell

 

"You should not have those who would assist you want to kill you. Your objectives will be hindered."


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Okay, I've got troubles . . . namely, I've got this column - this Psychology Corner - and I don't really know anything about psychology. I never even took one of those wonderful introductory courses at U-M. And I'm not feeling all riled up about anything right now, either. Still, I must do my part to make the world a better place (what else is there in life?!, I ask you).

So I'm going to help the wacky, credit-card-slidin', can't-think-of-anything-better-to-do-than-buy-shit-thinkin' consumer masses out there (which probably encompasses 99% of our fine nation's population) to make their lives more pleasant with my lesson in How to Make Your Shopping Experience Dandy. The central idea is quite simple: your shopping experience will be more pleasant the less it is like your regular life. You make your shopping experience annoying by having pre-conceived notions about any given situation.

For instance: If someone were to come up to you and say in a mopey voice, "You probably can't help me, but . . ." as their segue into asking for assistance, would you be inclined to assist them as well as you could? NO! Because they have established that they think the world is against them and that everything is about ten times more difficult than it, in actuality, is. This individual clearly has a defeatist attitude, which more than likely carries over into his/her personal and professional life. This individual is not a go-getter, and is the easiest type of customer for whom to do a half-assed job. DO NOT BE A DEFEATIST SHOPPER! NO ONE WILL WANT TO HELP YOU!

On the other side of the spectrum is the equally horrifying CLERKS ARE MY SLAVES customer. This is the individual who expects the clerk to reach far beyond his/her capacity by literally altering the status quo: "It doesn't exist anymore. Can you get it?" ("No, it doesn't exist.") "Do you know who might have it?" ("No, it doesn't exist.") "Do you think it'll be available soon?" ("I'm not a fortune teller.") These folks clearly have some sort of control problem, and those near to them probably fear them. These are, quite frankly, the customers salespeople want to kill. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE THOSE WHO WOULD ASSIST YOU WANT TO KILL YOU. YOUR OBJECTIVES WILL BE HINDERED.

The lesson here is leave your personality (at least its less charming aspects) at home or in the car or something. That's what we salesladies do, and, boy, does it make our days more cheery! So bring those credit cards and we'll slide 'em through the register for you, just as long as you don't treat us like your family.

 

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