"You should not have those who would assist you want to kill you.
Your objectives will be hindered."
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Okay, I've got troubles . . . namely, I've got this column - this
Psychology Corner - and I don't really know anything about psychology.
I never even took one of those wonderful introductory courses
at U-M. And I'm not feeling all riled up about anything right
now, either. Still, I must do my part to make the world a better
place (what else is there in life?!, I ask you).
So I'm going to help the wacky, credit-card-slidin', can't-think-of-anything-better-to-do-than-buy-shit-thinkin'
consumer masses out there (which probably encompasses 99% of our
fine nation's population) to make their lives more pleasant with
my lesson in How to Make Your Shopping Experience Dandy. The central
idea is quite simple: your shopping experience will be more pleasant
the less it is like your regular life. You make your shopping
experience annoying by having pre-conceived notions about any
For instance: If someone were to come up to you and say in a mopey
voice, "You probably can't help me, but . . ." as their segue
into asking for assistance, would you be inclined to assist them
as well as you could? NO! Because they have established that they
think the world is against them and that everything is about ten
times more difficult than it, in actuality, is. This individual
clearly has a defeatist attitude, which more than likely carries
over into his/her personal and professional life. This individual
is not a go-getter, and is the easiest type of customer for whom
to do a half-assed job. DO NOT BE A DEFEATIST SHOPPER! NO ONE
WILL WANT TO HELP YOU!
On the other side of the spectrum is the equally horrifying CLERKS
ARE MY SLAVES customer. This is the individual who expects the
clerk to reach far beyond his/her capacity by literally altering
the status quo: "It doesn't exist anymore. Can you get it?" ("No,
it doesn't exist.") "Do you know who might have it?" ("No, it
doesn't exist.") "Do you think it'll be available soon?" ("I'm
not a fortune teller.") These folks clearly have some sort of
control problem, and those near to them probably fear them. These
are, quite frankly, the customers salespeople want to kill. YOU
SHOULD NOT HAVE THOSE WHO WOULD ASSIST YOU WANT TO KILL YOU. YOUR
OBJECTIVES WILL BE HINDERED.
The lesson here is leave your personality (at least its less charming
aspects) at home or in the car or something. That's what we salesladies
do, and, boy, does it make our days more cheery! So bring those
credit cards and we'll slide 'em through the register for you,
just as long as you don't treat us like your family.