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Good Eating
by Nancy Dunlap


I try to eat well to stay fit. If I don't look good, I won't get free drinks when I go out, and I want to take care of my body. I rely on a nutritious and sensible diet for my good health. I must because I don't care to exercise. I really hate that feeling my body gets when it is pushed to its limit. Sometimes at work, if I'm in a hurry, I am tempted to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator, but then I remember that bad, out of breath feeling I got once when I had to run across the street to catch a bus. It made me feel like crying and I never want to feel that way again. The chest pain made me sad, as if I'd forgotten to take my prozac.

Another time, a crazy relative talked me into going to an aerobics class with her. I can't really talk about it yet. I just remember parts of it. There were some mats and thongs and leotards. I managed to block most of it out of my conscious mind. I still get bad dreams though.

The exercise people creep me out, the way they smile while they are punishing their bodies. They must hate themselves. I love myself and that's why I want to take care of my body. I love my family and want to be the best I can be, and that means not getting out of breath and sweaty.

A good healthy diet every day means no need for the bothersome and traumatic exercise. I start with a bagel every morning with a few cups of coffee. I don't like bagels that much, but nothing else seems so right for breakfast. The only time I go without bagels is when I'm traveling. Then it's a ham and cheese omelette, and keep the coffee coming, hon.

Coffee's another staple. You have to drink coffee every day. If you don't, you'll get a headache. Coffee is a good food group and an important social tool. If you want to know if someone loves you, you ask them to get you coffee. If they know how you take it, they love you. If they don't know, they are just using you. Its that simple. It saves so much time and arguments and stupid love conversations.

Coffee also helps you feel grown up. No matter how old a person gets, sometimes they just need to do something that helps them feel grown up. I don't smoke, so its important to have the coffee. If I didn't drink coffee, I would never get any milk. We all need that calcium.

I also try to drink plenty of Diet Dr.Pepper throughout the day. Diet Dr. Pepper is a food, as well as a beverage. Most sodas are just soda, but Dr. Pepper contains special healthful ingredients. The ingredients are kept secret, but I can tell they are just bursting with natural goodness. With a name like that, it's got to be good. There has been speculation that prune juice is one of the natural ingredients. I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised. I think it must contain iron, because of the color. My grandmother is dead now, but she would have been a lot more dead if she hadn't drunk prune juice every day.

Sometimes I try to drink a whole two-liter bottle of that caramel colored nectar as quickly as I can. I have done it in less than an hour. I just do it to see if I can, and I have a feeling that drinking a whole bunch of stuff really fast is good for the internal organs. It is also fun to see how long it takes until you have to go to the bathroom. Try it. It's even better to do it with a friend, so you can compare.

Pickles are good for people who are on the go and don't have time to sit down and eat green vegetables. The best pickles are the kind you find near the hotdogs, at the grocery, but any kind will do. You can't walk around eating peas, but you can easily do household chores while you're chomping on a pickle. You'll want to give them a good shake first, to get off the drips,(guys know what I mean,) but after that, you're ready to go.

Now hot dogs have gotten a bum rap in the press, but it's a fast and savory way to get your meat food. A better way is Hickory Farms summer sausage. It's a wiser method of getting your important meat because the meat is densely packed and you don't have to eat as much. You can tell you're getting a lot of meat, because you get a thick filmy feeling in your mouth and that tells you that you're really eating now.

I suggest buying the sausage in January, when the Christmas gift baskets are half price. Don't worry about the date. That stuff never goes bad. Now, you don't want to be eating sausage every day. It might be too rich a diet, and variety makes life interesting. The common household hot dog makes a nice alternative. An attractive and nutritious hot dog salad adds an upbeat tone to a formal dinner party. Cut up some hot dogs in a bowl and add a big scoop of cottage cheese. Mix it with two man-sized handfuls of cooked macaroni. Salt to taste and add a little extra salt if you're going to let it sit out in the sun for a while.

Better Cheddar snack crackers are healthy way to end your food eating day. You can even enjoy a box of them and skip dinner altogether. Better Cheddars have several paragraphs full of ingredients. It's hard to believe they stuff all those good for you components into each little cracker, but they do, and they do it delightfully well.Better Cheddars contain real cheese, which is something that actual cheese doesn't always have. Those calcium drenched tidbits of goodness go great with vodka and cranberry juice.

Cranberry juice is so good for your liquid waste organs that its almost a crime to drink vodka straight. At Thanksgiving this year, I made cranberry jello, using vodka in place of water. I treated the whole family to Jello Shooters. My ninety-two year old grandfather declined, and three months later, he died from kidney failure. I'm not saying he'd still be alive if he'd had the shooters, but everyone else at that meal is still alive, so I wouldn't rule it out.



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"Coffee is a good food group and an important social tool."
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