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This Movie Could Not Be Crappier:
A Review of "End of Days"

by Margaret T. Minnick

I am hard-pressed to recall exactly the train of thought that led me to see "End of Days." I think I was at the Tinseltown, which is a 20-screen movie megaplex, without a concrete plan. I personally have a firm belief that one should never leave the house without A Plan, but Chris lives his life a little differently and sometimes I have to accomodate. This was one of those times. And look what happened!

Our choice was between "Sleepy Hollow" and "End of Days". Frankly, the thought of seeing another half-baked Tim Burton disasterpiece starring Johnny Depp and a well-known dark-haired actress wearing a blonde wig (Christina Ricci this time; Winona "The Noner" Rider last time) made "Arnold vs. the Devil" sound pretty fabulous.

Alas, it was not. It is chock-full of evil priests and scheming stepmothers, neither of which are actually scary. Robin ("The Craft") Tunney stars as Satan's oblivious Bride-To-Be. She has the mark of the devil on her and was raised by a nurse who killed her parents because she wants Robin to screw the devil.

If Robin screws the devil by midnight, the world ends or something. But if she doesn't then the world doesn't end. But for some reason, some priests and religious fanatics want the world to end (I guess so that they can go live in the kingdom of heaven or something).

Frankly, between this movie and "Supernova", I think Robin can kiss her little career goodbye. Get a better agent, lady!

Speaking of dead careers (The Noner, Robin, even Johnny!), Arnold needs to find some better movies to be in, too. I actually am a fan of Arnold's: Terminator, T2, Total Recall, etc., are Pure Genius. Who can forget his cry of "Give those people AIR!"?

But, back to the movie! Besides the terrible plot and acting, it had the biggest movie no-no: lots of dark scenes with sweaty and/or wet people in them — like "The Crow" and similar late 80s movies. I hate that crap! And it also featured Arnold getting crucified. I have thought of Arnold in many ways; Christlike is not one them.

This is one of those movies with 5 potential endings: I kept thinking it was over, like this latest bunch of explosions and sweat and devil-fighting would be the end, and we could all go home. But no, there was always more running and a new setting, and then the Devil was there (AH!) and the fighting started again.

I forget how it actually ended — something about faith triumphing or something. I vaguely recall some kind of Lesson at the end, but the only real thing I learned from this movie was Never Go To the Tinseltown Without a Plan!


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