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When you Unfreeze my Head,
I want a Donkey Body!

by Chris Minnick

One thing about cryonics puzzles me - Why would someone want their whole body frozen? I imagine that by the time I die, I'll be pretty darn sick of my body. Chances are that when I die, I'll have some sort of disease or another which will be the cause of my death. I will certainly be old, covered with wrinkles and incontinent. This is not the way I would prefer to begin my second unfrozen life, even if they could eventually fix the incontinence thing.

The dream of the few people who have been frozen is to achieve immortality - to escape the bounds of our primitive medicine by being frozen shortly after death and preserved until the technology exists to revive them and cure what ails them. This is just fine, as far as I'm concerned. I would be extremely interested in finding out what the Earth looks like a century or two down the road. But - why bring along extra baggage?

Imagine waking up after a long sleep that seemed like only 30 seconds and finding that you are suddenly the only old person in a world where aging has been completely eliminated. I would certainly much rather not have to suffer the pain and embarrassment of unnecessarily dealing with an ancient, decrepit body. Where would I buy my Depends undergarments? I would immediately ask to be decapitated and for my head to be attached to anything else they had lying around. But - this practice will almost certainly be illegal in the future, as it is now. It seems to me that once you're old, you're old. Just as once you have a virus, you have a virus, and no medicine can fix that. Eventually, we will be immunized against aging - but reversing time and wrinkles is a whole different kettle of fish.

I say, freeze my head only. Bury these muscles and joints and toenails and flat feet - burn em, I don't care. Just put my head in some liquid nitrogen for a few hundred years - then pop me in the microwave for five minutes and attach my head to the nearest headless mammal you can find. I don't care - long as it works right. Attach my head to a donkey.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to be a donkey with a human head...or rather, a human head with a donkey body. I would have earned quite a bit of interest on my savings account over two hundred years - enough so that I wouldn't have to try to find a job. I could buy a nice house on top of some big hill and people would come from miles away - maybe from light years away - to see me and ask for words of wisdom. I would, of course, turn my hind legs to them and kick like mad - all the time screaming, "Get the hell out of my house! Haven't you ever seen a donkey with a man's head before?" I wouldn't care. I'd wander around the city eating other people's lunches and there would be nothing they could do to stop me. I'd be the donkey-man. I'd be Time Magazine's donkey-man of the year (the first). Eventually, people would realize how wonderful it is to be a human headed donkey, and they'd all start doing it.

I'd write a best selling book - "Becoming an Ass in Four Weeks." I'd do lectures, seminars, television and radio shows, guest appearances. I'd be the first Donkey-Man in space. I'd start a whole new era of space travel firsts.

In conclusion - if it is immortality you seek, it could pay to be original. I believe that the "head only" option, which is offered by most cryonics labs, provides the greatest number of opportunities to have an interesting life after you are resuscitated. "Head Only" is also significantly less expensive than freezing the entire body. The more money you can get into that savings account before you die, they better off you'll be when you wake up and find that hospital costs have skyrocketed and you've got a nasty case of frostbite.

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