So you say nay to all the Detroit bashing you hear around town?
Upset that even Tim Allen's Detroit is a bit different than the
one you experience every day? "How," you cry, "can anyone disrespect
the city that invented 'Rave'?" "How," you add with rising voice,
"how can the city with cool magazines like 'Orbit' ever be said
to bite?" If you even ask these questions, there may be more wrong
with you than even Freud could diagnose. You're completely nuts,
Seems like anything people like about Detroit is really from the
suburbs. (How about home-town girl MADONNA?) All those "cool"
rave shows are from "DJ Jazzy Winston" out there in Birmingham
or something. Hip-for-the-moment Planet Ant is in Hamtramck (arguably
worse than Detroit because people actually live there).
Now, I realize that you can get all nostalgic about those empty
houses and them skanky liquor stores (what other stores are there?),
all those gang fights in front of your house on 8th street, and
even the great shows at the Fox (the NUGE AGAIN?!?!?!??!??!?!?)
but please realize that garbage and crack all over the street
a great city do not make. My twisted syntax is more comprehensible
than the gibberish spewing out of your Detroit-lovin' mouth, you
I performed an experiment to see how much two of the city's emergency
squads care about the city. One Saturday I drove on down to Detroit
and parked myself square in the middle of Jefferson, right in
front of that wacky sports arena thing, and smack dab in the path
of a fire and police station. I stayed there for two hours, without
anybody saying anything. No cops, no fires, apparently. Phooey.
Anyhoo, there's nothing and nobody there, and if you deny it you
should just take another 'smart drink' and go back to your 'orb'
and 'Industry'. Enjoy!
"... I realize that you can get all nostalgic about those empty
houses and them skanky liquor stores ..."
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