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Americans Vote for Return of the Monarchy

"We need someone to speak for all Americans, and who has the power to eliminate anyone who tries to block the path of Righteousness."


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In the first national election with less than a one percent turnout, Americans decided to scrap the Constitution and return to a simpler government. The new government will be run entirely by the King of the United States of America.

The King, when he is chosen, will not only control the military and the new National Church, he will also have the power to create laws, enforce the Ten Commandments, declare war and lower cable TV rates.

The recent vote to repeal the Constitution was prompted by frustration among the members of the Republican party that American democracy is too hard to understand, and that its complex system of checks and balances, along with its Bill of Rights, only restricts leaders from serving the needs of the American people. Leaders of the party and of the National Church cite President Clinton as an example of the compromising sort of leader that a democracy creates. At a press conference last Thursday, a spokesman for the Republican party summed up the main problem with democracy.

"Compromise is not what we need. We need a leader like the pope, who won't try to make everyone happy. We are in the midst of a serious moral decline. We need someone to speak for all Americans, and who has the power to eliminate anyone who tries to block the path of Righteousness." When asked what actions the new King could take to solve the problems of poverty and hunger, the spokesman replied, "Poor families have an inexhaustible source of food readily available to them. One of the first actions of our new King will be to encourage families to consume their children. By doing so, these children who have always been a burden to parents, will become a valuable asset. Families with more children than they can eat will be able to make money by selling their children to the less fortunate."

Since the United States has never had a King, and thus no royal blood line, appointing the first one will be much more complicated than it is in other countries. A panel of former U.S. Senators is currently interviewing potential candidates. The one who is chosen will need to have a strong religious background, as he will be thoroughly investigated to insure that he has never broken any of the Ten Commandments, which are now officially the law of the land. The King will also have to be a very dynamic person, who the American people can identify with and worship at the same time. When asked if the panel was nervous about choosing the first King, and thus the standard upon which all other Kings will be judged, former senator Jesse Helms replied, "We have to choose someone who is George Washington and Jesus combined. It won't be easy, but we are certain that we have the best men in America scheduled for interviews, and we will find our King." Currently, it is rumored that the favored candidates for King are Phil Gramm, Bob Dole, and Newt Gingrich.

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